9/11/18 Changing The Sheets To Prevent A Murder?

    I mentioned last week going to JCPenney to buy new sheets for our bed.  The truth as to why I have had to tear the last three sets is because they come to life after awhile.  I have figured out the secret to bringing things to life, totally by accident!  You have to spin three times in place and then while chanting some magic words which I shall not release, fart ever so beautifully, like you ate a saucepan worth of beans and your sheets will come to life.  I keep telling Wife this is cool as the sheets hug us at night and keep us extra comfy.  Hey, they even help while doing l'amour, that's why I am so quick nowadays.  Nothing like your sheets going whack-a whack-a in your ass crack to make you feel alive.
    The problem comes when it is time to wash the sheets.  I go to remove the fitted sheet and the flat sheet actually attacks me.  It takes the pillow case and uses it like a towel whip.  This last time I had it cornered, I was taking much abuse, but I put on my jacket so I wouldn't feel the little whips from the pillow case on my arms.  The sheet managed to kick me as it struck a Karate Kid pose and got me in the chin.  As I fell to the bed, the fitted sheet, fitted itself around me and told me "don't do it, Fat Boy.  You know soap and water is our enemy."  I said, sorry, but Wife says you two getting funky with the BO and ass smell (I don't smell anything, I think Wife is jealous of our love).  They complained for another half hour saying it was my fault, I could go back to taking two showers a day, I agreed, then they suggested I could put on more clothing, that's where I put my foot down and said no!  I promised them that I would bring them back to life as soon as Wife headed back out of town, they just had to keep it on the down low when she is here on the weekend, and you have to let her watch whatever she wants, its just on the weekends, that seems fair to me.
    If we can't live in harmony, then you might become the fourth pair that gets torn, we wouldn't want that, would we?  That seems to have sunk in, they behaved admirably the last few days.  But shh, don't be a tattle tale, I don't want this getting out.