Throughout my life, I have often asked do I belong? I almost always felt like an outsider. In school, I ended up dating first a girl two years older than me, then Wife, who was two years younger than me. My mom said she felt I was too young when I started school, being born in late August, I would have been better waiting for the next school year. I almost could believe that, but right off the bat, Wife's cousin was my classmate and her birthday was a day or two around mine, and so was one of my best friends, so that angle is defeated, unless they too felt the same way.
I don't think I was anxious because of it, I just ended up keeping to myself. I could never handle myself well in a group of bigger than two or three. Even now, I need the eye contact or the mmm-hmm, otherwise I'm left thinking "are you listening?" I love texting, but I hate when someone asks how's it going, but then are texting other people. There's no way you are listening to me and writing to someone else. When I call my mom and am telling her a story, I have to constantly check, are you still there, she won't do the mmm-hmm, or the yeah, or make some small noise to indicate she is listening. Texting though, is great. Send out a thought, and accept that people are busy, eventually they will get back to you. By now I know who is good at responding and who sucks. Some people are just about them. They will respond, if it benefits them, otherwise, "I didn't see your text", or "I was asleep". I might consider those people friends, but I won't really look forward to interacting with them.
When I moved out was an interesting point in my life. I moved in with a guy who for better or worse was a "rival" at the junior college we had been at. We played different games and they usually broke down into teams by cities. This guy hated us because we always beat them, but he ended up becoming a good friend for that period of time. He was the kind of guy who could go anywhere and make himself feel at home, so I just rode his coattail into all sorts of parties and gatherings. Although honestly, I still felt more comfortable in smaller groups, which I managed to befriend a group of gals from Eagle Pass, and they were good at making me feel like myself. I still talk to my closest friend from that group, almost 21 years later, but it's different when people are married and living in different cities.
After graduation I floated in some odd jobs for a couple years before ending up at AMD, and now I have been at the same place for 20 years this November. I have survived 7 or 8 layoffs, I am always ranked near the top of the group, and I am trusted to work by myself at night alone, for the most part. It has taken a long time, but as far as work, I feel I am important to the bottom line.
We met some neighbors who became friends when we moved to our first house, and we still hang out with them. We seem to get along better with the sister of our old neighbor, who also happens to be Girlie's mom, they insist we are not friends, we are family. Again, I can be a handsy, hard pill to swallow and they have put up with us for about nineteen years.
Wife has been a part of my life since I was sixteen, she was fourteen. I have never forced her to stay, and again, I can be a pain in the ass, specially with her who has no problem telling me to do this, that, and the other like she was my boss. But I guess she feels like she belongs if she can tell me to do this, that and the other, and I bitch and moan, but manage to do 70-80 percent of what she asks for. What else can I say, I do belong here because here I am.
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