I did not grow up blasting farts for fun, I was always worried I might poop myself if I accidentally let one get out, therefore, I used to spend a lot of time in the bathroom, not wanting to take chances. In the last few years, I have finally accepted that gas is just a part of life, so I have been letting them go a little more, hoping for the best. I think I have it worked out, once I go to the bathroom and get rid of the poop for the day, the cannon is free to blast harmlessly the rest of the day.
I actually did this quite a bit this last time we went to the mall, I think it was the brussel sprouts that we ate with our meal, either way, my stomach kept feeling tight like a drum, so after a while of tensing up, I said fuck it, and while walking through the cheap costume jewelry of Macy's, I crop-dusted the area and kept moving. I was able to let them go silently, and there was a lot of noise from the shoppers and christmas music that I got more confidant after that. At one point it was like stepping on ducks as I went along, quack, quack, quack, for more than a few steps. I like how Wife gets all embarrassed and she just mutters "oh my gosh, stop!" But she's such a great Wife she doesn't say it loud to give me away. After awhile I was having fun with this, the mall has turned into a shit show anyway, there just isn't anything I would consider a "must shop" anymore.
Later at night, we were all standing around the kitchen after Boy and Sweetie got back from visiting her family and it overcame me again. I just stood there on the opposite side of the island from Sweetie and didn't even think about it, blasting away like a dog unaware that this is inappropriate. Wife gives me the little smack on the arm yelling "not in front of Sweetie, Nasty." She just looked sideways in discomfort and they slowly made their way upstairs. I just figured she is part of the family, why should I act proper around her, she wants to be one of us, I am just keeping it real.
I did not plan the end of the night, but on my way upstairs, I really wanted to go to the bathroom downstairs, but Baby A beat me to it, so as I was walking up the stairs I just unloaded a barrage of farts like I was fumigating the stairs for roaches I laughed all the way into the bedroom, but just as I stepped into the room, Sweetie came out saying she needed something from downstairs, Wife yelled at her to hold her breath and tried to warn her, I just heard "Oh My God, I can taste it in my mouth..." I laughed maniacally in the bedroom, it couldn't have been more perfect, not that I wanted to fart on her, but that someone walked through it, accidentally.
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