Some bug/virus has commandeered my body for its own joy ride. I feel them in my temples, around my eyes, like they want to look at the world outside and control where I go. I feel them in my shoulders, making me have chills and force me to go under covers. Oh and I feel them in my sphincter, using me as the ultimate waterslide, landing by the millions in the toilet for their own joyous amusement.
All we can do is try to keep up with my liquid intake, and keep my fever down with the white man's voodoo medicine. Thank you ibuprofen and acetaminophen, although you yourself are not above killing me too if I over-consume you. So I am left taking baby sips of water, laying under blankets, assuming my wife doesn't want to kill me, she keeps me pumped full of different meds. I just assume I haven't pissed her off enough to take a medicinal stab at my liver.
To top it off, it is now Saturday afternoon, her car has been in the shop and we need to go get it so she can have her car back for Monday morning, so she can get to work. I go through a mental list of things to do. First, get out of bed, like a big boy. Next, go poop, cause you will be away from your home base, and you try not to poop unless you are at home, specially when it's more of a spray than a solid. Shower, and we are ready.... no, poop once more, shower again, now we're ready.
With the strength of a mighty sloth, I ferry myself into my car and away we go. It is at these times, that we notice that the world is moving super fast, cars seem more reckless, people seem to be running in place, going from here to there. All I do, is focus on getting to my destination, without taking enemy fire on the highway. Wow, people drive scary fast, when you are trying not to move and doing it by force.
We pick up my wife's car, and like the champion that I am, leave my wife there to fend for herself. I promptly head back home to my cocoon of bedding and blankets. I have no interest in the mall, or going to have lunch, just leave me alone, you all go on without me, I shall arise like a beautiful Monarch Butterfly, but today is not this day. Today, I just want to cower and whimper under my blankets. My body is still not under my control, and going out of the house was a sad mistake, which I will pay for overnight.
By morning, I feel I am turning the corner, the chills are gone, I might have finally gotten the upper hand over these bugs in my system. I remember I am a warrior, not a butterfly, I must feel my power, remember that I am man, not mouse, but first, to the shitter.... ah yes, solid floating poops, step in the right direction. I shall overcome, I shall be victorious.... I shall be healthy enough to get my fat ass back to work, just in time. Story of my life, take time off, get sick. Awesome!!!
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