We just did all those resolutions a couple days ago, one of ours is to not spend so much. But here we are, a couple days stuck at home, and with nothing better to do, I hear the murmur from the mall. "Come walk my warm halls, enjoy my sales and perfumed aisles. I might just have that thing you've always been looking for."
What are we to do, fight the urge, treat ourselves like prisoners, lock ourselves in our homes? Run to visit family, I've seen them every other day it seems. I'm one of few guys I know that enjoys going out to the mall. And with this weather, and it getting dark so early forget the idea of going out for a walk. Oh, and working nights, I just got up at 4:30pm, rare is when I can sleep in.
So once I get to the mall, I'll be like a junkie, I promise I won't spend any money, I'll just look. I don't need anything, just the smell of commerce is enough to give me a high. But walking the mall is like a horn-dog going to a strip club, I'll give this girl some money, smell her, let her dance on me, feel her thighs in my hands, surely that won't leave me satisfied.
I need the full experience, really go in there, take my clothes off, try something new, that new clothes smell that just envelopes a dressing room, the intimacy you feel with the store when left alone, naked and vulnerable, while your partner is getting a bigger size, honestly is it ever a smaller size? Now we're getting somewhere, now that we've gotten naked and friendly over here, let's go splay out on a bed, really, take your shoes off, try the firm setting on those air number beds, try the soft setting they insist your wife is going to sleep on.
Oh, my boys need a couple new sweaters, we'll go see our suit guy at the Men's Wearhouse, haven't been there in a couple months, he's been helping dress my son since he was in eighth grade. Maybe he pushes a little more clothes on us, but he does it so my son looks sharp, and the Boy always looks good.
Lest we forget, we're in the middle of remodeling my son's room, he wanted an industrial look, and Sears had the perfect storage cabinets with diamond plated doors. A couple of those and he swears this time his room will stay clean. Why would he lie? His room would be clean if he just had a little more storage room.
And of course, I need a new cold weather hat, it seems my two hats have been stolen or are hid somewhere that I just cannot figure out where. This Longhorn only wears burnt orange, don't give me that song and dance that a hat is just to keep you warm. Nay, a proper hat tells the world your affiliation, who you are really loyal to. The colors you would paint your banner in the lands of old while riding on a horse in shining armor to protect house and home. My wife acts as if she gets hit regularly with a mallet on the head when she suggests maroon, "Woman, those are A&M colors!!!!! Grrrrrr!!!!!!" Someday, she'll realize the importance.
But the mall does all this and more. It adorns me in the proper colors of my lineage, it clothes my children in their proper outer skins, it even provides the comforts of home, to rest this weary body while awaiting my next conquest. But above all, it gives me something to do when the weather is not perfect between 70-80 degrees outside, who wants to sweat or freeze? Plus I can buy coffee cups shaped like boobs there and that is a marvel to behold.
No comments:
Post a Comment