12/14/14 We Save Our Best Face For Strangers?

    I had a discussion with my wife tonight.  It concerned a friend we've known about 18 years.  This person is a decent person, there were times we were inseparable, then of course we moved and that always affects friendships.  Regardless, she has a habit of contacting my wife via text, acts interested "how's it going?" "what have you all been up to?" "where'd you get that purse?", then  once my wife is reeled in, really starts putting energy into communicating, the other person losses interest, WTF!?!?  Usually, a couple days later, she'll respond, Oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep.  My wife says coworkers do this to her too.  I don't have the problem too much, because I usually pipe up with a "Hey, if you're gonna text me, be a freaking human and say TTYL if we are done."  And other things to facilitate smoother transactions.  but my mom will do this too, "oh, sorry, I was at the store, or oh, your brother called..."  What can you say to Mama, "Okay..."
    Her niece, who has pretty much grown up with us, has had a big 50inch TV by our front door, it's a big projector type, so it's a huge box, she doesn't have a truck is her #1 excuse, but she also doesn't seem in a hurry to get it either, except it bothers my wife because it takes up so much space.  It doesn't bother me so much, but I don't want it there indefinitely either. 
    I guess once you break through the barriers of formality and start calling yourselves friends, you become part of the background noise.  The person knows they have your attention and they don't have to impress you to keep you around.  I don't know that this is great but I certainly try to give people my attention when they seek me out.  Although...
    When I first started texting I was a little guilty of it too, a couple times the wife and I would be in the middle of sexy time and my phone would ring.  My wife would glare at me and give me a "don't!"  I couldn't control myself, I'd roll off and reach for it like I was falling on a grenade.  My wife was never impressed with my consideration for others during these times.  But again, another example of putting on our best face for others.
    My argument with my coworker of a couple days ago, I was not done the next day explaining my position to her about who is a good parent and her statement was why not just let it go?  I said no, we are past the generic formalities, I never cared about hello and how's the weather?  I want to have real conversations with you, so you need to understand where I am coming from and for that, we must track through some mud, disagree, but come out the other side still friends.  I love this friend, she brings me cookies and, when I'm lucky, homemade german chocolate cake.
    I guess it should be worn as a badge of honor to be treated a little second rate, although that seems strange.  Next time while introducing yourself to someone new, think about the formal "nice to meet you" and the big cheesy fake smile, compared to family who you don't even hesitate with a "look at my boil on my back, will you pop it for me."  It is with those we love who we drop our pretentions and thus "keep it real".

12/13/14 I'm a Good Parent, Really?

    This comes from a heated argument I was having with a coworker who I had never argued with before.  My point was that my son's little girlfriend was gonna get a dose of shit from Mama and Daddy because she spun out saying he was a bad person who was using his ex-girlfriend.  I took this personally because above everything I don't want to bring pain or discomfort to anyone for no reason, and that extends to the boys I am raising.  I have always told him "don't waste a girl's time, if you are not interested, let her be so she can go find what she is looking for." 
    My coworker said that the two things are unrelated, You can be the best parents and your kid still turn out badly.  I could and cannot wrap my head around that thought.  To me, I can't call myself a good parent if my kids are out there raising hell, breaking into other people's property, or doing drugs.  There was a point when my older son was in eighth grade and we were going to my folks, like a three hour drive.  Texting had just taken off and my boy was big time distracted.  I think I was offering to stop at a gas station and was asking him stuff, he was as rude as he has ever been with me, maybe there had been a new boy or two coming around and he thought talking like a smart ass to me would be a good idea.  Plus I had been feeling like I was losing my sway over him.  I spazzed out, and nobody spazzes better than me, I hit the brakes, car slid sideways into parking lot, I jumped out of the car, took his phone from his hand and smashed it on the ground.  I remember him yelling nooooo, on his knees trying to gather the pieces.  I yelled at him for five or ten minutes about how "I don't give a shit how bad ass you think you are and your new piece of shit friends, I fucking make the air you breath and I make the sun come up for you, you will not become some piece of shit nothing that does whatever you think you want to do.  Anything you have and anything you are is because of me, you had better square up and march in step boy."  I love my boy, nobody is ever going to influence him in a way I don't agree with. 
    He stopped hanging with those kids, and his behavior came back to normal.  I probably got him a new phone within the month, reminding him I don't have a problem busting that one as well.  Some would call this passion, some would call it child abuse, I didn't hit him, just yelled, but I believe it made a difference.  It was a point in his life when he could've turned on us, I felt.
    It has been a long time since I have had to be dramatic with him, I think we are past the worst of the teen years until our second boy starts up.  First son was skinny and lightweight, if I had to I could control him with one arm, my second boy is a hunk of ham.  He will probably be taller than me by junior high, just thick and built like a fridge, it's gonna be interesting if he ends up wanting to "wrassle".
    I don't know, I'll keep trying to stay on top of their behavior, maybe someday I'll believe that coffee mug, it says "I'm the World's Greatest Dad".
   

12/12/14 If I'm Santa, Will You Be My HoHoHo? (poem)

I really love the Christmas holidays truth be told

I always have since I was about two and a half years old.

But I have come to realize a new dilemma

Sit back listen and behold.

Santa's a pervert, I wish I was him

Who else gets to do what he does and with such vim?*

Try sitting at the mall, preferably by Victoria's Secret

and call out Ho Ho Ho and see if you don't get a ticket.

He is judge, jury, and executioner to the masses

if he likes you, rich rewards abound, if not watch your sorry asses.

His hobby in the fall apparently is to watch you when you're sleeping

seems to me the old codger is excusing some serious peeping.

All in good sport he'll say for his list to determine

Are you naughty or nice, he is very discerning.

One night a year he gets to go through your house

and no one better be stirring don't bother Mr. Claus.

Sure he'll leave toys and maybe even some extras

For example, has he ever left your spouse a nice see through blouse?

And don't forget that whole business of sitting on his lap to tell him what you want

I once tried this with my neighbor's college daughter and got smacked around by her aunt.

But he's got a sack full of bounty and a big candy cane,
We'll see who's shaking like a bowl full of jelly as he asserts again Ho again!

Just leave a door open at night he'll come eat your cookie

Merry Christmas to all but beware, I know that fat man, he is always looking for nookie.

*vim-enthusiasm, definition of the day

12/11/14 Whatcha Bench, Man?

    I lift weights, not like I used to in college, but I occasionally get into weeks with one of my coworkers where we start making good progress.  I got into weights when I came to UT, back in 1991.  I had two roommates and one had tried to walk on with the Longhorns, so he had a bit of a chip on his shoulder he wasn't playing.  When I started, it was rough, I had started losing weight my second year in junior college playing basketball every free second I had, and starving myself.  At the time, I lost about 100 pounds and now I needed to tone up.  I got so much crap from both roommates, if you're big, you're supposed to be strong.  "What the fuck, come on you big pussy, how can you not even lift one plate" (each "plate" is 45 pounds times two and bar weighs 45 pounds also, so minimum, a healthy male "should" be able to lift 135 pounds, per my roommates.  Every day, it was this type of encouragement, but soon I was acceptable and the strength felt good.  I was no longer a "puss", this came in handy several times, girls always need help moving and I had a truck.  My wife today would say they were using me, but I usually got a home cooked meal and they were my friends at the time, it's the neighborly thing to do.
    I kept lifting weights and have owned a bench and home weights ever since so I don't use the excuse that I don't have access to them.  With a good paying job and access to eating wherever I want, the pounds have come back, I really should start playing basketball, but there just aren't enough hours in the day.  College students don't realize how awesome it is to be them, that time does not last long enough.
    When I do stop lifting for weeks, I notice those nagging little pains creeping in, I don't sleep well, my lower back will hurt, my shoulders will be stiff, my neck will be in a constant sore state.  The only reason I stop is laziness, we have a decent gym at work, and I have a coworker willing to spot me as he also enjoys working out and we are at a close enough physique.  So do we just continue lifting?  Two years ago, I was right at that point of benching 300 pounds, but then my partner hurt his shoulder and we stopped for six months or so, he tore something, but didn't see a doctor.  We're back at it, most weeks, but he is more cautious than before.
    What propels us to continue, I think for me, it's that nagging little voice of don't be a "puss", I don't really move furniture these days, but I would like to think that if called upon my back would hold up, although I'm not so sure I can squat myself out of my wife's evil eye.  Nevertheless, it is a manly task and simply doing it once in a while allows me to keep my ego boosted. 

12/10/14 I Can Save The World?

    I live in Austin, the genius hippies came up with the idea to save the environment by giving up plastic bags at the store.  This was an awesome idea, the only ones who have benefited is the stores who sell you sturdier bags for a fee now.  I believe at HEB they are $1.00 for the red re-useable bags, but once you get home and notice blood from the meat, is anyone going to wash these bags, careful on your answer, you might anger the other people trying to save the water?  As a consolation prize, now we have closets full of cloth bags we are to use for groceries, which we always forget to use, paper bags from the stores that let you have some dignity and at least offer paper bags, thanks Central Market, and other weird bags my wife gets as prizes, which again might make one round to the store, but these bags don't get back in the car regularly.  So I buy bags, and lots of them, now.  I bought one today at Target, .10 cents for a paper bag.  I bought three red bags at HEB at $1/bag Saturday when I thought it would be nice to go get BBQ stuff while my wife was at work.  Her car had bags, yeaih!  I haven't met a single person in line defending this absurd idea, everyone does the "grrr, I forgot my bags".  You see some cheap bastards tucking their groceries in their pockets.  Best one was a couple months ago, HEB brought back the plastic bags, checker just said "pay $1.00, I got what you need and as many as you need."  Like a freaking drug dealer.  You won hippies, but stores are only ones making money from this.
    The other great idea going on is "we're in a drought, don't use water outside."  This means we can't wash our cars in our driveways, which is just dumb.  It is OK to go to the car wash and spend $7 in quarters and I assume hundreds of gallons of high pressure water, screaming at my kid "Put quarters in, I swear if this hose stops, you're walking home little Turd!!"  So stressful, I rarely do it.  Why is this water different from the one that will come out of my hose with a water gun, where water only comes out when I squeeze?  The car wash doesn't have a magic water reservoir, it is sucking from the same lake my house is sucking from, and forget those places like Genie Car Wash where you pay $20 or more, and then it rains or you run through some businesses errant sprinkler system pointing at the street after waiting over an hour, Hell to the No.
    So many other ideas to "save the environment", how about solar cells, just $30,000.  The city had an idea to "give" out electronic air conditioner controls, so you can control your A/C from your phone (by the way, the city also gets to control your house temperature, to avoid blackouts, of course).  No thanks, I'll take my chances.  How about replacing your light bulbs?  They are supposed to stop producing regular "hot" bulbs, but I've been in Home Depot, some of those new bulbs are $20 each, they're supposed to last a long time, but I guess time will tell.
    My coworker was having a panic attack about this, I say calm down, any problems we create will just be hurdles for future engineers to solve.  He wasn't buying it, but at one point coming from Europe was a months long proposition, now it takes a few hours on a jet.  If need be, we'll make Mars our next clean destination to go and destroy, at least there aren't people to remove.  But if we find Marvin roaming around, shhh, wait until after he teaches us his ways before we act all human.  What could possibly go wrong?

12/9/14 You Want To Be A Man? #1

    I am raising two boys, and we have seen many male friends of my son come through, plus I was involved in my upbringing, so of course I am an expert.  If I can impart my wisdom on any lost man-child, start with looking in the mirror and telling yourself that guy there is responsible for everything that happens to him.  If you fail a class, it wasn't the teacher having it in for you, you were an idiot, didn't learn what was being taught and YOU failed.  You have a whole semester, 16 weeks, tutors, libraries, friends who have taken said class, unless you were doing everything in your power to pass, save the excuses.
If you get fired from a job, again you think I am going to believe you when you come around and say "my boss doesn't like me".  Of course that is true, nobody likes shitty 20 year old guys, they're useless, unless they find a way to be productive.  My son works ferrying drinks and food at Alamo Drafthouse, place is lousy with stairs, thanks to invention of stadium seating.  My son is young enough and salary is fair enough that he can do that for a few years, while he goes to college.  I don't mind him running up and down those stairs with food and drinks.  He's not roofing or working out in the elements.  He is relatively safe.  He will tell me he keeps track and he's putting in like 16,000 steps, equivalent to nine miles, I say good. 
    He has a friend who can't keep a job, boy has a hot head and thinks wiping down surfaces is beneath him.  He was working in one of those places where kids are entertained for $10/hr.  Of course there's snot everywhere, that's what little kids are good at making.  He got told one too many times to go Windex the glass surfaces and he refused, guess what, "you're fired."  Nice call, Numbnuts.  This kid refused to even try college, not for everybody, fine, but that means you better not be afraid of manual labor.  Mama and Grandma are only going to do so much, he hasn't come over in a while, and I feel he knows I will bust his balls. 
    My son had a bag recently taken from his vehicle, looks like some Robin Hood type pried open the passenger door and took it, rubber gasket is kind of pulled and looks tampered with.  He wants to lash out, but really, in this day and age, we know we can't leave nice things laying around.  Luckily, bag only had some laundry in it.  If my son learns to not leave things laying around for others to take, then that was a worthy lesson.
    If you spend your days playing video games, and your girlfriend makes more money than you, you're probably a man-child.  Do something about it, turn off the TV and go interact with the real world.  "The Man" does not care what color you are, where you come from, how old you are.  "The Man" cares about his business, will this asshat make me or lose me money?  Prove yourself worthy to the people you interact with.  Who gives a rat's ass that you're really good at Super Mario Bros. or whatever the kids are playing today?

12/8/14 Psst, Can You Keep A Secret?

Tis time for the truth and clear my soul

You may not believe it, but this story does not have even one hole.

I am not the same as you or even she

I was born in the mighty blue sea.

I am three hundred and three years old

many a lifetimes I have seen unfold.

For I was here underwater, I am the last of my kind,

I am a Merman, please my life, let me rewind.

I was born back when witches cast spells,

my kind were used for our pores had strange smells.

I was to guard where now the Colorado River and the Gulf meet

but there is so much one half fish can do, and soon tasted defeat.

I held my position for nearly a century

but as most things do, it was all over in a hurry.

Wounded and left to die, I met a good witch

she healed me, legs grew and all I could say was "son of a bitch".

I settled in Corpus Christi, back when it was groovy

and soon was cast in a role, which at the time seemed for me.

People wanted to swim, but the oceans were full of sharks

crews were hired to dispose of them, to make beaches feel like parks.

I would destroy sharks, some days by the bunches

with what you say? well meet Pancho and Lefty, my punches.

I would rip out gills and suck out eyes from their sockets,

some I kept for good luck in my pockets.

Eventually, the tide did turn, turns out sharks got a publicist and now they're good.

I wouldn't trust one though, not in their hood.

I retired from the hunting, disappeared to a small town,

I pleaded with that witch to let me be normal and she shrunk me down.

The rest is normal stuff, that would surely bore you to death

but trust me enough, for I never talk to waste my breath.

 

 

This is for my younger son, who asks about my youth, and this is the story we've come up with when we go to Corpus Christi on vacation.  No sharks were harmed in the making of this story.  Can't say the same for the Mermen involved.  :)