Sometimes it is better to leave well enough alone. I had a "meet the doctors" day on Wednesday, March 6, so we headed up there Tuesday night, since the appointments started at 8:30am. Everything was tense but going according to schedule, we even checked in early enough to take a couple of hours to unwind after our long drive. Before heading out to see where the hospital was, since we were a good five plus miles away, and looking for dinner, I got an email saying new test results were in my online connection thing called MyChart. I logged in out of curiosity and I thought it weird that it said CT scan and ultrasound results were available. I didn't immediately see images and thought it would take too much for the actual images to just be posted willy nilly. On the bottom though, there was a button and because I had to, I pressed it to see what would happen. It started downloading the proper software or took me to the site where all of a sudden, I was looking at my tumor. Once in, it is really hard to stop, I wanted to see what else would be there.
I cannot tell you what a bad idea this was. I have no formal training, but there was all my detailed information, with notes from the technicians and thoughts on everything. Something about growth producing pressure on the jugular vein, cysts on the facial features, lesions possibly extending into the chest cavity, and other things I decided I must interpret in the worst way possible. The rest of my night was ruined. I drove with the thought that the best outcome of meeting the doctors would be to be told it was too late for any surgical procedures, I mean the surgeons in Austin already had washed their hands of me, and this data showed why. We ended up eating at Olive Garden, I don't think I have ever been less interested in the food while trying to remain present with Wife. Getting back to the room was just as hard, I didn't want to go to sleep at the thought it would surely be bad news in the morning. There we were at 5:45am, getting up and having yet another meal, this time the complimentary breakfast in the hotel, feeling like the only people in the world, we ate at 6:00am without any other hotel guests, then up to shower and get ready.
I tried keeping it together, but driving Wife told me the hotel clerk said if we come back, since we have a couple nights, the next one after one more would be free and if I registered my name, he would get us another $50 savings on our next stay, he was trying to help us, since he knew we were going thru a hard time. This got me all teary-eyed, and I almost snapped at Wife to just stop. Today was going to suck, I don't want stories of pity and death, keep it light. Traffic is no joke there in downtown Houston, but we got to the hospital and found a parking spot in level 3 of the garage.
We made our way up to the 10th floor where my doctor's office is, and I was asked to fill out yet more questionnaires. This got me weeping again, as it asked me something about what do I do as a hobby or for leisure and I started thinking of Mijo playing football and what if I'm not there next year. The nurse checking my vitals there was very good, she made light and got me laughing and told me to get my Wife and bring her in with me. After a few more minutes, we finally went to the small waiting room and before meeting the doctor, we spent some time talking with his fellow, another doctor still in residency, studying under my doctor. She asked me how I was doing, and I had to say the truth, "Not good, actually. Last night I got access to my CT scans, and I don't think I should have read them, in my mind I read the worst out of them." She smiled softly and said, "I was looking at your files and here let's look at them together." She pulled them up and made everything better by being the first to say "we are going to manage your care and I believe you're in great hands here. She then mentioned the type of cancer, or maybe the doctor came in and did that (papillary, which is the most common of the thyroid cancers), but I had already asked her "I'm not dying in a month or two?" She laughed a little and said no, this is very manageable, you will be fine, or that was what I took from her response.
Once I heard that, a mountain of stress fell off my shoulders and knowing I did not have a death sentence necessarily made the rest of the day a good one. The doctor did say the only way out of this is surgery, and it will be lengthy, up to 12 hours or more, he suggested doing some chemotherapy before to try and reduce the size of the tumor, which he said has probably been growing for 8-10 years. Reducing its size will make it easier to remove and possibly save some muscle as it has grown intertwined with many of the muscles in my neck. There was a lot of technical jargon thrown my way, such as checking if my genetic content has the B-Raf mutation which is found in this type of cancer. They are testing my biopsy material for it. If I have the mutation, they have a specific chemotherapy for it, but the endocrinologist was suggesting I hold off on doing that. They will go back and forth and decide which way to go. Whatever makes the surgery easier and/or better, it's not like I have an option not to get the surgery.
At this point, I was just happy there is more than one option for me. I mentioned to the surgeon's fellow that I was really worried because two surgeons up here in Austin opted not to touch me and they said they were happy about it. A lot of times, a surgeon will go in there trying to do more than what they can and just do a half job, only to then send them there. This is better that they didn't go in there chopping haphazardly. Some surgeons might see a case like mine once or twice in their life because they are a smaller practice, so it seems daunting, while someone like the surgeon there might do three cases as serious as mine a week, there is just so much more experience and knowledge there at MD Anderson. I feel like I am where I need to be for the best results.
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