3/9/24 Team Sports Can Be A Beautiful Thing?

     We can sometimes get fooled into thinking what we know is everything, but there is always more to experience.  Yesterday was just a perfect day where I am not working right now and Mijo is off for Spring Break.  It was Friday and upon searching for activity on Instagram, I saw his "little brother" (best friend who kind of looks like him with the big hair) goofing in pictures with a tennis racket out playing somewhere.  I asked Mijo if he wanted to go try and watch him play, he thought that would be cool.  Since he wasn't answering his phone, I texted his grandma and aunt to find out where they were playing. Turned out, they were at Akins HS, which is about a mile from the house, so we went over.

    Little Bro (everybody needs a nickname) has wanted to play tennis since freshman year, but he kind of got persuaded to first join wrestling (As Mijo jokingly said "we told Little Bro to join wrestling or we would kick his butt"), then on to track and field to throw shotput and discus.  This left no time for tennis which happens in the spring.  Now that Mijo and his classmate aren't there to bully Little Bro into joining their reindeer games, he is finally playing tennis as a junior.  Little Bro did say his favorite sport is wrestling (wrestling is special for those that end up doing it) but he liked track and field when he could hang out with my son and his other classmates, it is boring now with the new group of guys.

    It is a whole new world, where football is played in a stadium that could seat thousands and maybe close to 1000 people are involved per game, when you consider about 100 players per side, the big 100 plus player bands, then the cheerleaders, dance/drill teams, and finally the spectators.  Tennis, at least at Akins HS does not even have bleachers to sit in.  We drove over and kind of had to figure out where to park, it is during school hours and the parking lots are assigned to the teaching, staff, or kids.  I ended up parking by the side of the road and walking in towards the courts.  It was a small tournament, maybe six schools were involved, but everything is managed between the kids.  I didn't even see referees or umpires, not sure what they are called.  The kids were calling their own games.  It felt a little strange, the coach was sitting in a chair behind us, we were leaning on the fence, and I guess after he figured out who we were there for came up and shook our hands.  I was more like who are you?  Because of Mijo, I thought I knew all the coaches, over the last four years, he was in football with like 12 coaches, then wrestling, with two coaches, then track and field with another variety of coaches.  This was not one of those, but I guess there must be some we never met, even though Mijo was Superjock.

    This being tennis, it was a whole different vibe.  All the kids were kind of happy to just be out there playing, which is not like football, which is taken way too seriously, and of course wrestling, which is an actual combat sport.  All the kids were trying their best, the coach was laid back complimenting their efforts and being generally encouraging.  I don't know if it is because this is not a team sport where either all or none do well, as far as the scoreboard, or if the other sports not named football are allowed to be what they were intended, just an outlet for the kids to do something they enjoy.  I left kind of feeling good for Little Bro, he was in a safe space, nobody was going to grab him by the facemask and yell at him.

    In the afternoon, around 5:30pm, we went and saw Little Bro's sister who had invited us to see a softball game last week and I enjoyed it so when I saw on the calendar they had a game, I suggested to Mijo we go.  It was nice, the crowd was a little bigger than tennis, mostly parents and friends.  The weather was about as nice as Texas can offer, with a cool breeze as the sun is going down.  There is a clumsiness to the game, them being JV, but still, it was entertaining with some of the girls hitting the ball with some real power.  I took my glove, why not, the previous game had a foul ball land near us, Little Bro's uncle was teasing me to protect them with my glove, but he was just jealous he didn't have one (just kidding).  The Crockett girls won again, and one can tell Little Bro's sister has found her group.  She looked happy singing the little softball chants they do in the dugouts while someone is at bat.  She was telling us at the beginning of the school year she didn't feel like she had friends, but this was not the same girl as she was surrounded by teammates who all seemed to get along.

    Football is so emotional, and the stakes seem so high, I understand why Mijo's older brother never liked sports.  Too much is expected of any individual who puts themself out there.  Boy (older brother), always complains that Mijo is going to get injured and get nothing for his injuries.  I can see that from an outside perspective, but I also know that Mijo gets something from putting himself in harm's way.  Some people have that need for the adrenaline rush of competition, to feel the raw power of defeating and making someone bend to your will with nothing but your physicality which you hone on your own.

     I enjoyed both events even if I had to temper down my expectations from what football makes the norm.  Sports are supposed to be to grow comradery, and maybe get some physical activity.  The coaches were great, seeing the wrestling coach now with a soft touch, coaching the girls' softball team was awesome.  The other team's coach, from the 1st base sideline coaching his girl to just wait for the ball, not to force it, not to swing at the ground, there was so much patience in his voice, it is just a world away from what I have heard on the football field.

3/8/24 Ego And Pride Drive One To Greatness?

     Last night around 9:30pm Mijo texted and asked if I could go get him, his Friday class was cancelled so he was done, and it was Spring Break time.  I was half asleep laying around waiting for Wife to get home from a late activity at work.  I told him it was late, and he should just hunker down one more day, I would get him in the morning.  He gave me the "come on Dad, I'll talk all the way home and keep you awake."  This is as close as Mijo will beg to come home, so he must really want to leave campus, which he even added that he was burnt out and just wanted to get out of there.  That's about all it takes to rile me up, I don't like hearing my baby is uncomfortable.  Wife got home just then, and she wanted to go with, so we went and picked him up.  Our thought is that he quietly has been stressing about all the stuff going on with me and just wanted to come home to see that I was fine.

    On the drive home, I filled him in on all the latest information, that I'll be taking some form of chemotherapy and it'll be a few months before the surgery, but the doctors seem to have everything under control.  Once I finished talking, he slowly started going, even apologizing for kind of starting, but realizing I still had stuff I was saying.  I do always ask him how it is going and how was your week, so he can get stuff off his chest, but I guess he figured I should go first this time.

    Eventually, we got home, and this is when he finally took off.  He said he mentioned to a friend on the team that so and so was not coming back next year.  The guy casually said "Oh, that's a shame, he was our best freshman lineman."  Mijo could just bite his tongue and ball up his fists because he was at some meeting where his advisor, professor, and several other faculty people he is working with were at, so he could not really argue the point without getting a couple of "Fuck that Shit!" out of his system.  He said he understands that he won't ever be the greatest lineman, his height will always limit him, but when talking about his peers, he feels he should get a nod of recognition because he is always working his ass off to be at the top wherever he is at. 

    I told him that took me right back to high school, when in my junior year a new freshman came in that played the saxophone and everyone started saying he was the best and he would probably go to state, I swear even Wife was on that bandwagon.  As it was, nobody spent more time practicing during and after school, between marching band, symphonic band, and jazz band, I was playing my sax 2-4 hours a day most of the year.  Still, the audacity, it can sound offensive when random people who you respect and like don't place you at the top.  All that did was drive me, the school had bought a brand-new baritone saxophone, those things run like $6000, and I kept is as mine until I graduated.  Everyone else shared the school instruments, but I didn't play that shit, that was my instrument.  I made it to state and that kid was never even that good that I remember, he never played alongside me, like in the jazz band or anything like that.

    I told Mijo ultimately this kid that bothers you impressed people with his size, he came in looking the part standing 6ft 4in which in itself will impress, especially when Mijo is only 5ft 8in, but you've been there before.  There were a couple of kids even in high school who were bigger, but they just didn't have his drive or work ethic.  A person's output is not just the one metric, but the totality of his output.  The bottom line is the kid quit, so he didn't have your passion for the game.  Mijo said that kid lost an uncle or someone, so that had made him a little depressed, I said you lost your grandfather last semester, it was sad, but you hung in there.  

    Bottom line, like I told you in the summer, everyone is here playing D3 because there was something stopping them from being D1 level (I mentioned this when he was getting it in his head that he wouldn't be good enough).  Your something was just height, and we wouldn't let you entertain schools outside the state, everything else you bring to the table is top quality.  You will always carry that chip on your shoulder and that is good, it will drive your competitive side and make you work even harder.  The other guys have noticed your work ethic in the weightroom, you've impressed a number of players with how strong you are, and you are already pushing other players in running the drills you're doing voluntarily right now in the offseason.  People are inherently lazy, and unless there are more of you, than more of those that think I'm good enough as is, you will never get better as a team.  You have to be one of the igniters in pushing the masses forward, that is what leaders do.

3/7/24 Second Houston Trip?

     Sometimes it is better to leave well enough alone.  I had a "meet the doctors" day on Wednesday, March 6, so we headed up there Tuesday night, since the appointments started at 8:30am.  Everything was tense but going according to schedule, we even checked in early enough to take a couple of hours to unwind after our long drive.  Before heading out to see where the hospital was, since we were a good five plus miles away, and looking for dinner, I got an email saying new test results were in my online connection thing called MyChart.  I logged in out of curiosity and I thought it weird that it said CT scan and ultrasound results were available.  I didn't immediately see images and thought it would take too much for the actual images to just be posted willy nilly.  On the bottom though, there was a button and because I had to, I pressed it to see what would happen.  It started downloading the proper software or took me to the site where all of a sudden, I was looking at my tumor.  Once in, it is really hard to stop, I wanted to see what else would be there.

    I cannot tell you what a bad idea this was.  I have no formal training, but there was all my detailed information, with notes from the technicians and thoughts on everything.  Something about growth producing pressure on the jugular vein, cysts on the facial features, lesions possibly extending into the chest cavity, and other things I decided I must interpret in the worst way possible.  The rest of my night was ruined.  I drove with the thought that the best outcome of meeting the doctors would be to be told it was too late for any surgical procedures, I mean the surgeons in Austin already had washed their hands of me, and this data showed why.  We ended up eating at Olive Garden, I don't think I have ever been less interested in the food while trying to remain present with Wife.  Getting back to the room was just as hard, I didn't want to go to sleep at the thought it would surely be bad news in the morning.  There we were at 5:45am, getting up and having yet another meal, this time the complimentary breakfast in the hotel, feeling like the only people in the world, we ate at 6:00am without any other hotel guests, then up to shower and get ready.

    I tried keeping it together, but driving Wife told me the hotel clerk said if we come back, since we have a couple nights, the next one after one more would be free and if I registered my name, he would get us another $50 savings on our next stay, he was trying to help us, since he knew we were going thru a hard time.  This got me all teary-eyed, and I almost snapped at Wife to just stop.  Today was going to suck, I don't want stories of pity and death, keep it light.  Traffic is no joke there in downtown Houston, but we got to the hospital and found a parking spot in level 3 of the garage.

    We made our way up to the 10th floor where my doctor's office is, and I was asked to fill out yet more questionnaires.  This got me weeping again, as it asked me something about what do I do as a hobby or for leisure and I started thinking of Mijo playing football and what if I'm not there next year.  The nurse checking my vitals there was very good, she made light and got me laughing and told me to get my Wife and bring her in with me.  After a few more minutes, we finally went to the small waiting room and before meeting the doctor, we spent some time talking with his fellow, another doctor still in residency, studying under my doctor.  She asked me how I was doing, and I had to say the truth, "Not good, actually.  Last night I got access to my CT scans, and I don't think I should have read them, in my mind I read the worst out of them."  She smiled softly and said, "I was looking at your files and here let's look at them together."  She pulled them up and made everything better by being the first to say "we are going to manage your care and I believe you're in great hands here.  She then mentioned the type of cancer, or maybe the doctor came in and did that (papillary, which is the most common of the thyroid cancers), but I had already asked her "I'm not dying in a month or two?"  She laughed a little and said no, this is very manageable, you will be fine, or that was what I took from her response.

    Once I heard that, a mountain of stress fell off my shoulders and knowing I did not have a death sentence necessarily made the rest of the day a good one.  The doctor did say the only way out of this is surgery, and it will be lengthy, up to 12 hours or more, he suggested doing some chemotherapy before to try and reduce the size of the tumor, which he said has probably been growing for 8-10 years.  Reducing its size will make it easier to remove and possibly save some muscle as it has grown intertwined with many of the muscles in my neck.  There was a lot of technical jargon thrown my way, such as checking if my genetic content has the B-Raf mutation which is found in this type of cancer.  They are testing my biopsy material for it.  If I have the mutation, they have a specific chemotherapy for it, but the endocrinologist was suggesting I hold off on doing that.  They will go back and forth and decide which way to go.  Whatever makes the surgery easier and/or better, it's not like I have an option not to get the surgery.

    At this point, I was just happy there is more than one option for me.  I mentioned to the surgeon's fellow that I was really worried because two surgeons up here in Austin opted not to touch me and they said they were happy about it.  A lot of times, a surgeon will go in there trying to do more than what they can and just do a half job, only to then send them there.  This is better that they didn't go in there chopping haphazardly.  Some surgeons might see a case like mine once or twice in their life because they are a smaller practice, so it seems daunting, while someone like the surgeon there might do three cases as serious as mine a week, there is just so much more experience and knowledge there at MD Anderson.  I feel like I am where I need to be for the best results.

3/6/24 What Happened to Winter?

     I know we are coming up on Spring Break next week, but I also remember there have been many times we planned or went to the coast only to be there in the middle of a cold front.  My question is what has happened to Winter?  There are a few days requiring a sweater but the last few years there is maybe one or two days that actually require a heavy jacket and I don't know if that has always been the norm, or we have entered into some weird pattern due to "El Nino."  I can't say I am mad at the weather; we are fixing to go back to Houston for another round of visits at MD Anderson, this time to get some answers as to what I have, and having nice weather makes it easier to drive in and out.

    There is always a reason for my thought, this one being since we have nice weather, I should go get the Expedition washed before we leave.  Wife got lucky, her boss has been quite cool in the past, letting her leave a little early here and there to get to our son's football games and stuff, now they told her to work from home for half a day, instead of driving to San Antonio working until noon and driving back, only to then drive to Houston in the afternoon.  It's not that Wife loves work that much, but she has a finite amount of time she can take off, so she must make the days stretch out, whenever possible and I understand.  A friend asked if she was going to pamper me after surgery, and honestly, I am not sure how much she will be able to.  We are being asked to drive up randomly for tests and consultations before the surgery even happens and that is consuming some of her days, and I'm sure the surgery will take up a few more days, so we will have to see where post-surgery leaves her at.  Luckily, I have family to come and stay with me, and plenty of friends have offered, although it would be weird to be at the beck and call of some of our newer friends when we have been the ones always out in front offering the help and stuff.  I guess I feel weird being the one that might need help, even if temporary.

    I love the idea of being able to hang out and taking it easy as being on short-term disability has offered, but it just seems to be putting off the inevitable, and the longer it waits, the louder the silence feels.  I want to be on the other side of recovery, although that is scary in itself because I've been told this will be a challenging thing I will go through.

    I guess in retrospect and the famous words of Game of Thrones, I hope that Winter is NOT Coming, I hope this ends up being an easier challenge than has been built in my head and I can get to the point of fantasizing about which Rolex I will buy on Wife's next promotion instead of the scary decisions my mind has been making in response to current events.

3/5/24 Where Does Faith Fit In An Atheist's Life?

     About the first thing to happen upon finding out I had cancer was my in-laws wanting to get together for brunch.  I thought it was nice, we see them from time to time, and usually we do it by meeting somewhere in between Austin and San Antonio to eat.  I did not expect to be ambushed this last time and it was only because I know it came from a place of love that I didn't get up from the table and leave.

    We met at a random Mexican restaurant there by the Buc-ee's in New Braunfels for lunch about two weeks ago and everything was going fine.  My father-in-law has always been a quiet man, usually it is my mother-in-law who does most of the talking, plus I like the banter between my brother-in-law and myself.  We both have a love of nice watches, and he is usually quick to bring up the topic.  This meal had a long wait for a table, I guess we got there right as breakfast was ending and lunch was starting.  We even asked, I believe it was about 20 until noon or something and the hostess said, "as long as you sit and order before the hour, maybe it was fixing to be 1:00pm, you should be fine."  Unfortunately, at 5 minutes before sitting us down, the hostess disappeared to go wrap more silverware in napkins and by the time they sat us it was a couple minutes into lunch, I just remember that annoying me.

    Anyways, as soon as we sat down, I felt the hard sell start.  My father-in-law sitting directly in front of me saying something to the effect that "come on, we've all been Atheists in our youth, let's stop playing games and come to Jesus, now that you are going to need all the help you can get."  He didn't use those words, but that was the message.  My response was "whoa, I've known I have cancer for like two days and I'm supposed to fall to my knees and start begging God and Jesus to save me?  That first of all feels hugely hypocritical for me to do that."  My mother-in-law quickly added in "No, it is not, God is always waiting for you, he loves you and he believes in you..."  At this point I did feel like getting up and leaving, but I said "look, I came here to eat lunch with y'all because I love you and enjoy your company.  I might come around and find some sort of faith, but it can't be forced upon me.  Maybe I come around, maybe I don't, but it'll be my decision."

    I have always sat with the notion that God accepts all, theoretically, it doesn't seem to matter how much of a mess they make of their lives, and some people really push boundaries by taking life and just being animals their whole lives.  Yet a simple begging of forgiveness and they are "saved" sounds like so much BS to me.  If so, surely, there has to be a place for the likes of me, who has never done wrong to people, who of my own free will, not because I am trying to gain brownie points with Big G, I give and help those around me, at least the ones that become part of my world.  I have made it a point to just love and accept people in my life as they are.  Whatever your vices, fine, I have my own.  I cannot believe that if there is a God, he places us on Earth and then expects us to live like action figures that were never taken out of their packages.  We need to get dirty to experience the essence of existing, what is the point of living a sin free life, did you even live, at that point?

    I then had to take one more side shot from my brother-in-law, he said he wouldn't preach to me but that ever since he had been convinced to take the path of faith, his life had turned around and things were going much better for him.  Every time he thinks he can fall off the path, his life quickly starts turning to shambles, but upon walking in the light, all goes well.  I said I was happy that he had found something that worked for him, I too should be left to find what works for me.  How about you give me an actual week of living with this new diagnosis to see what I might choose to do?

    I have always said that I don't know what is right and what is wrong, but if we look at religion through history, they can't all be right.  When the Greeks believed in Athens and all the gods, were they wrong or were they right?  When indian tribes also believed in a polytheistic god system, were they wrong?  My mom and mother-in-law both swear that the only right religion is Christianity and Jesus Christ.  Great, so you're willing to say that all other religions are wrong, that is pretty convenient to have been born when the right god for you was in his prime.

    A coworker/friend from work also reached out and mentioned her beliefs.  I have read some on them when I was trying to be a masseur and I want to believe in everything, but I also find it hard to believe that we have super abilities.  I do believe that touch can be helpful, humans need human touch, there have been studies even of babies that grow up without human touch in places of war versus babies who are unconditionally loved and held and there is a difference in how they grow.  Being full grown and married, the concept of being held is silly, but there is a lot of comfort and warmth from loved ones coming up wishing warm gestures and having a moment of human contact, be it a handshake or a hug.  That does feel human and special at the same time.

3/4/24 First Houston Trip?

     I like an out-of-town trip that involves a hotel.  I figure might as well make lemonade out of the lemons thrown my way.  I tell Wife I want to stay in a nice place, her first take is "we won't have time to enjoy it, we have to be up and out before 6:00am."  I thought about it and realizing after the CT scan we should have almost 4 hours before the ultrasound, we might be able to come back to the room.  My guess worked out, Mijo (my Pirate, for now he is at SU) stayed behind and slept.  I would have been a little bothered, but he stayed up doing some homework.  We ran out with good to great timing at 5:40am.  Then the shit started, we had left both keycards with Mijo in the room, in case he needed to check out if we got caught late, he could take a shuttle to the hospital and get to us, but we couldn't get out of the garage without the keycard, so now Wife had to run back up to the 8th floor, wake him, then come back down before we could even leave.  This lost us about 10min, but we got going.  In the meantime, I entered the address but one appt was at 1515 Holcombe Blvd and the other was 1220 Holcombe Blvd.  I accidentally entered 1212 Holcombe Blvd and somehow the practice run we did the night before which took about 3 minutes turned into a 10min BS parade of rights and lefts, with all sorts of human targets to avoid on the streets while it was still dark.  I eventually figured what I had done wrong, and we found the hospital.  The parking garage as I already mentioned the day before was also a mess, but we got in the building and took some long walks down some long hallways before getting to our destination.  The CT scan was more relaxed, I was already a little late, but we slowed down, asked for help to get there and there were some nice shuttles to get from one building to the other.  Upon finishing the scan, I was told I was done and free to leave.  We headed back to the hotel and got our young Pirate and went to have some well-earned breakfast.  The pecan coffee was delicious, I had not had a flavored coffee in a long while, ended up having two cups.  We then had about two hours to relax, so we went up to the room, which we had until noon.

    The ultrasound/biopsy was definitely the worst it could have been.  I get that technicians aren't always going to be friendly, but I was told I could have someone with me for support at all times, but they said no.  Fine, I get it, but they kept leaving me alone in that room for extended amounts of time.  I can live with that, but after spending about 30minutes doing ultrasound, the tech leaves to discuss with the doctors, then comes back and starts doing it near my face, around my ears and I have eyes, I can see little shapes on the screens.  Of course, the techs can't discuss what they see, so I am in a world alone, she or her sidekick intern weren't there to comfort me, they leave me alone again.  I'm like keep it together, which I can't with thoughts of having some sort of cancer ridden face now.  Then they come in, with extra people, no real description of who the other people were, some guy was there to take the glass slides and run off to go look at them.  After an hour and having me hold my gauze on the holes they made on my neck, they come in and say the thing on your beard line net to your ear is nothing to worry about, the doctor just wanted to make sure.  By the way, you're not bleeding anymore, you can finally leave and go find your wife.  This was the train-ee that walked me out, it wasn't even the real technician, I just feel she could work on her bedside manner a bit, up until then, everything had been good.  The CT scan guy was very nice and even made some jokes with me, I liked him.

    Upon getting outside, Wife was worried for me, the whole time from 12:30 when we walked in there to almost 4:00pm, when we left was entirely too long for what I expected.  I realize things take time, but things can be improved.  The paperwork all says, you can have support with you wherever you go, I could have really used it while they were scaring the bejesus out of me.

    It was probably 3:50pm when we got out of there, we did a quick stop at the souvenir store, got Pirate boy a "cancer" hoodie and hit the road.  It was so close to rush hour, but we got on some toll roads, and I think that helped get us out a little quicker.  We were probably eating at Poke Jo's in Austin by 7:30pm, that brisket sandwich was pretty good, but being home was even better.  We get to go back next week on Tuesday night for a 10:00am appointment on Wednesday morning, March 6th.

3/3/24 New Chapter Of Life?

     Hello World, I haven't been writing for a while, but too much has happened, and Wife thinks I should get back to it, so after some time thinking about it, I will try to write on a regular basis, but not every day.  So much has happened since I stopped writing, the biggest event of course being my father passed away in late August, right before my younger boy, working on new nickname, was to start college.  I will address my dad, I loved him and miss him, but not today.  Same as Mijo, starting college, playing football, it has been so very special and great, but again, I will get to that another day.  The biggest thing going on right now is I found out less than a month ago I have thyroid cancer.  This is a big deal, it came out of nowhere, people in my family have not been fighting with cancer that I have heard about.  Still, life is what it is, we will deal with it and hopefully I can come out the other end on the winning side, it is still early in my fight.

    About a month ago, I was sitting with Wife watching a movie and I kept touching my neck and it just felt thick and fuller than normal.  Knowing I have some glands there, I thought maybe I'm fixing to get sick, and they are reacting to it, but I told Wife, and she insisted I go to the doctor.  I haven't had a doctor I see, or more honestly, I hadn't seen a doctor in probably five or more years.  The last time I went to CVS (Minute Clinic) for strep throat I think, the lady there was a Physician Assistant there and upon reading my heart rate she determined I was fixing to have a heart attack; she swore I wouldn't make it past the weekend and was even uncomfortable letting me drive on my own to the hospital a couple miles away.  I ended up going on my own, refusing to call an ambulance I was not going to pay for and upon arriving at the hospital I was escorted quickly to a waiting bed.  I had already called my Wife and mom; everyone was in a panic crying only to find out the PA overreacted.  The doctor explained after doing an EKG on me that I have a heart arrythmia, it kind of skips a beat once in a while, so to her much more basic tool, the finger monitor, it seemed worse than it was.  I felt it was just going to be more of this kind of stuff going to the doctor, so I put going off for regular stuff because I don't need all that drama every time, unless I feel really sick.  My worst thought is that someday I'll feel really dizzy or something and realize my fat ass finally got diabetes, that was my worst-case scenario, other than a heart attack.

    Here I am now, I found out I have a tumor over 8cm long in my thyroid area in the front of my neck and because it is so large, the two surgeons I saw here in Austin suggested I go see more expert people, so now my adventure is going to be set in MD Anderson in Houston.  I have mixed feelings over this, believe me, I have already sat and cried in the car, in the toilet, in the shower, in the bed, at the kitchen table, driving, even at work, as I was slowly realizing how much this is going to suck.  Luckily, I guess, I have been given short-term disability, so I get to stay home with my thoughts alone all day.  I say mixed feelings because as scared as I am, I also realize I have been given a gift by having the ability to go to the best place in the world for cancer treatment and I am lucky to live within a 3-hour drive.  

    I wanted to go to work last week, just to have something to do, make the day have some value, and help my section at work keep up, we were already shorthanded, one of our chemists retired last quarter, and with me gone, we are working with only two people now, but I can't be worried about that now.  I ended up having an appointment on Friday for a round of tests, they wanted to repeat all the tests I did to get me there.  At 6:15am I showed up for blood draw to see what is going on my blood, then a CT scan at 6:30am, followed by an ultrasound and biopsy at 12:45pm.  Getting up early in the morning and going to a new place sucked, we got behind on time, parking was a nightmare at that hour, I guess it is before night shift leaves and day shift is showing up.  The one parking spot on the topmost floor of the parking garage had me going back and forth like 5 times to get in meanwhile a parade of ten cars was lined up behind me watching and waiting.  Once we got to the blood place, things fell into a nicer rhythm, nobody seemed upset about being a little late.