12/7/14 Give Me A Dollar, I'll Do It?

"Everyone's a whore, we just sell different parts of ourselves"

 

    I've seen this quote a few times in my life.  I like it, and it is true.  My first job was working with my uncle, roofing.  Great job to help one become a man.  What more to remove the last bits of childish youth than to hang out in 100+ degree weather outside, with men who would rather be holding beer cans than hammers ferrying 80 pound bags of shingles on improvised ladders?  This has to be one of the toughest jobs that a few miserable souls still get to do today.  All day long on the hottest part of the house, bent over with a hammer in hand, tacking sheet after sheet.  Best case scenario, you don't fall, back is a little sore, and you get paid your minimum wage, $5 an hour at the time, 1989 and my uncle liked me.  Worst case, you might fall and die.

     I had jobs while in school, tutored college algebra (piece of cake, act like a junior professor teaching what you just learned), and driving the commuter bus (basically stay awake).  My next job after I had gotten my fancy degree from UT was working in a warehouse.  That was another manual labor job, again, with men who love their beer.  This job was crazy serious and a little dangerous at times.  I still remember unloading a flat bed truck with 20 pallets of coils of wire, like the stuff on the telephone poles.  The flatbed was old, as it sounds just flat and open, pallets sit out in the open.  there were welts and rusted out holes on the flatbed and it was drizzling to raining, depending on how would prefer, but wet nonetheless.  At one point, I was headed back to get one of the last pallets and I felt the whole forklift slide under me.  All I thought was "fuck!"  I didn't fall off, but the story was still in my mind, that I had replaced a guy who had made one of the forklifts take a nosedive out of the warehouse.  Then there was the time the foreman asked me to help him move a baby grand piano.  He seemed confidant, we do it all the time, quit being a girl about it.  Thing had to weigh over 600 pounds and shape was just weird.  I remember it going up for a second, then my mind said Nope!  I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of lifting it and going anywhere.

    Eventually I landed in something resembling the field of study I took, chemistry.  Today, I work in a lab filled with fancy tools and I get paid to run these tools.  A lot of hand eye coordination stuff, making decisions of how far to take a sample, how to approach a given sample to give the customer the data they need.

    All these jobs however different, still call on the person doing them to sacrifice some of themselves to complete the tasks.  I could very easily have fallen from a house, one of my uncles did, at one point, broke a leg.  I too could have fallen out of the warehouse in a forklift, those wheels have no traction and you are always running late, so there is always urgency to push.  My current job does not have physical dangers, but I am in a lab, surrounded by cylinders of various poisonous gasses, running through manmade equipment that could fail at any moment.  But we do what we do, mostly to chase that dollar.  I consider myself lucky, and I feel that these very different jobs have taught me to respect the people that do them.  When I see that small sized man working on all these apartments, knowing he is probably illegal, I don't think "goddammit, he's taking our jobs", I just think please don't fall, that job sucks, thank you for doing it well enough.



12/6/14 Where Do We Dispose The Bodies?

    Eventually, most relationships end.  It is a hard and painful life lesson.  My son just admitted he was still communicating with his last girlfriend when he had "ended" that relationship to us about three months ago.  I know it's hard, I still have a hard time removing people, it is much easier to be cast aside by the other party.  When the other party leaves you, you have an instant "bad guy", it is easy to rally around the rage.  Anger and resentment can build and wane until the person disappears from our thoughts.  I don't have a history of eliminating people, personally, only have a handful of people I've had to tell "I am moving on, without you."  At his age, it is much more common, their tastes in music, life plans, religious convictions all play into who you are going to surround yourself with.
    We tell him it is normal to fall in and out of love, take your time growing a relationship, if it is right, it will last the rest of your life.  If it is wrong, homes will be broken, lives destroyed, children left in turmoil.  Most important, you have to like this person and how they want to be.  We are not all built the same, which is what I am exploring in thought, most of the time. 
    Now he finds himself in Finals Week, getting over the same relationship for a second or third time. He looks a little sick, his best friend also got mad, and they stormed out in a huff, which is deserved because he had denied spending time with the ex.  This is his fourth or fifth girlfriend, the bodies are stacking up like firewood, each of the girls has been lovely and sweet, the problem is just the age.  You're not supposed to marry the girl you meet in high school.
    Saying that though, my wife and I have been together 27 years or so, since Nov 13, 1987.  She is technically my third girlfriend and I her first boyfriend.  We've had our ups and downs, but generally, we are always in sync.  We met my junior year in high school, her freshman year, 16 and 14, respectively.  It has worked, I don't know how, well I do, but you wouldn't believe me, and If I start telling all my secrets, you might become as awesome as me, and that might be a bridge too far for some of y'all.  (I kid)
    The title of this writing refers to all the people, friends, classmates, roommates, lovers, and coworkers.  People come and go, some we miss and think about, what of the others, all the background noise of our youth, one day it's just gone.  I went to school with a class of about 100 kids, today, I could locate 1 or 2.  My roommates at UT and all the assorted people I met.  I loved those guys, we made each other better people, poof, gone in a cloud, as if they only existed in a story I read.  The gals I met along the way, any number of them would have made a worthy partner, I like to think that I have only associated with quality people, all heart, caring, distinct personalities, I miss some of them.
    So it goes Son, life is not that story in a book, where you can close the book and say it is fiction, you must feel life, the crying parts are also good, you will remember the people in fleeting thoughts.  As they saying goes: nobody said it would be easy, they said it would be worth it.

12/5/14 When Is Enough?

    I spoil my boys.  What else are we supposed to do?  I don't see a problem giving them what they ask for, provided they show appreciation and whatever toy has some value.  I personally hate Legos, they are a pain in the ass to assemble, won't stay assembled in the hands of a 10 year old and eventually you will step on a piece.  But they do teach spatial orientation, engineering skills and strengthen finger dexterity to name a few positive things.  Both boys have gone through periods where they absorb anything Lego.  I say OK, my wife just looks away. 
    This of course is superseded by video games.  I had them, I loved them.  From Atari 2600 onward, they are just a part of life.  I've lost track of how many consoles my older boy has gone through.  Today, he scoffs at consoles, "true gaming is done on PCs, Dad...."  and both of them own a couple portable Gameboys.
    I honestly don't know when and where to stop.  I can say we spend upwards of $500 on each boy each Christmas.  Most years, there's a new console, they can't possibly play on the same one, each has their own room and a corner set up for gaming.  The older one has gotten into guns, we gave him a rifle last year, this year he has asked for a handgun.  Of course, he will take a handgun course, and the minute either boy shows signs of becoming an idiot, I start taking things away. 
    If I haven't said it, they are both good boys and both do very well in school.  The teachers always like them, my mom being a teacher and counselor, we instilled in them that those teachers are not there to babysit you, they are there to teach you something to make you useful in the future.  Luckily (or because my sperm are that good :) ), discipline has never been a big issue.
    My older sons biggest party night was when he got "drunk" on Redbulls, he said he drank like eight one night at a friend's party.  He was sitting there by a campfire in the dark yelling at me to come carry him to the car.  He was in 9th or 10th grade, surrounded by all these boys I had known since he was in Kinder.  My initial reaction was anger, followed by laughing my ass off, after realizing alcohol was not involved.  He was belligerent though, saying he needed to go to the emergency room and that we didn't love him, and that we needed to do something about it.  I remember telling him to shut it and take a shower.  We stayed with him, not letting him fall asleep until he was back to normal.  We still make fun of him for this.  When we've had parties at the house, he'll walk around with a thin layer of scotch in a glass, proclaiming himself a "scotch man", but if he drinks it, he is asleep an hour later, usually he just pours it into my glass, saying it went bad.
   Can we reverse this pattern we have created?  Would it work if I tried to say Santa brought you a $5 gift certificate to Starbucks?  I think not, my palms got sweaty just thinking it.  While I have the ability and this lifestyle, I will give them all I can.  After all, they are begat of my loins, so essentially I am giving to myself and I do feel I should spoil me, because as people like to say on FB, "you deserve it."

12/4/14 When Do You Say Uncle?

   My wife is in another conference this quarter, just came back from one three weeks ago in Kansas City.  This leaves me playing Mr. Mom.  When my boys were younger this bothered me because the responsibility scared me.  Now that the boys are 10 and 20, they are fine and I can certainly entertain them as needed.  When she goes though, my chores double.  I have to wake them, feed the younger one, keep clothes going through the wash, make sure they have dinner (I work nights).  Check homework, and all the stuff I do.  I even celebrate a bit when everything lines up.  If I can grab basket from bathroom, load empty breakfast dishes on top, come downstairs, start hot water in sink while I load wash, get back and wash dishes in one five minute span, well, gold star for me.
    I don't see it as work, simply keeping my house in order.  This on top of working a 12 hour shift 4-5 days a week leaves very little down time.
    Down time is actually a bigger hassle.  When everything is always so well orchestrated and flowing it's fine, but when we come into a block of free time, I get a little weird.  I don't like being unproductive.  Sitting around for a night watching TV, grilling is great.  When we have four days off, such as Thanksgiving Weekend, man, I can almost hear the tick tock.  My wife would rather cuddle in bed on a lazy afternoon, but I feel like come on, there has to be something we could be taking care of.  I only take vacation from work if there is a trip planned.  I don't think I've sat around for a week loafing around the house since 2008 when I was forced to stay home by my company.
    I have always been like this, my first job after graduation from UT, was working at a warehouse driving a forklift.  Within the month, I was in charge of the warehouse space, and even though I didn't have experience, I picked up the ins and outs of the forklifts.  I was quickly working 12-14 hour days, going to work before 6am to avoid traffic and staying until after 7pm for the same reason.  I would take a fifteen minute lunch break and be on my feet all day, to be young...
    I am glad now, that I quit after a year after demanding a raise and not getting it.  That place would have consumed me.  Nobody was saying go home or only work 40 hours, but at $8/hr, I was a cheap mule.
    My present day job has periods of unlimited overtime, and I do go crazy with the hours.  I've worked +84 hours a couple times.  But at the rates they pay me, they put a stop to it as quickly as they can.  They say "everyone" is supposed to be helping out, not just you.  This is so other people get in on the action, but most people don't like working more than they have to.
    I can see and I know that I overdo it with work at times, but I thought that's what a man is supposed to do, make as much as you can for the family.  As I'm getting older, I am noticing that there is no such thing as enough. 

12/3/14 Who Is In Charge, Pilot or Passenger?

    I read one of those cheesy inspirational sayings to my wife and tongue in cheek said "I'm your Pilot, Baby, you go where Daddy says."  She calmly countered back, "yeah, you're driving, but the passenger tells the pilot where to go".  So now I'm not sure which is the better position to be in.  Sure the pilot has the controls, but that also means they have the responsibility of maintaining said aircraft and keeping control should an emergency ensue.  The passenger in life, while not in control of the aircraft gets to go on the journey with some influence, or she is a captor and not a passenger.  So does one really wish to get up earlier, make sure aircraft is flight worthy, filled with fuel and weather and destination are mapped out or is it better to just show up in fuzzy slippers point "I wanna go there" and cover your eyes with an eye mask?
    I know I'm stretching a positive sentiment to ridiculousness, but there is still a point in there somewhere (I think).  People that are driven just consider the extra work part of life.  When I started college, my mom said we would all go to the local junior college, which was in next town over, 40 miles away.  There were two commuter busses that took us there.  The first year, being new, I just jumped in, but by the second semester, I had gotten the courage and will to try and learn how to drive the bus.  Guy that drove the bus was all too willing to show me how, I still remember him saying "you wanna drive, sure" and got up off seat as it was going 55 and told me go ahead.  There was no backing down, I jumped in seat and felt right with the world.  Of course, I had never driven a manual transmission, so slowing down was tricky, but bus driver guy explained how to shift gears.  Pretty soon, I was driving the bus, for fun and practice.  During the summer I got my class A driver's license and by second year in junior college I was driving the daily commuter bus.  I figured we are all going to the same place, but I am getting paid to get there and the bus won't ever leave me behind.  In addition, I learned how to drive manual and this helped my parents, when they got me my first vehicle, it was a manual truck, which was cheaper than an automatic transmission. 
    I don't think a leader (pilot) minds the extra responsibility, it is just part of what it takes to get things done.  I don't fret or whine when we go out of town, the keys are always in my pocket, it is just assumed that I drive.  In the last couple years, I have even been letting my wife take the keys, it is nice, to a point, to be driven.  But I get antsy, I feel like the vehicle feels better when I am driving. 
    My wife is too cool about letting me lead the world (in my head).  We went to Disney World a couple years ago, driving, of course.  It is about 21 hours from Austin to Orlando.  I drove and told her she could drive when I got tired.  Being a night-shifter for last 19 years, I said, I'll get us through the night, no problem.  Well we left fine and I did drive through the night and in the morning I felt a little tired but we'd stop and I'd get coffee and she would talk to me and I'd argue with the boys about something or other.  Finally, I said no more, I didn't know how much longer to get to the condo we were staying in, but we fueled up, I sat in the passenger seat, closed my eyes and 15 minutes later, she wakes me.  We're here.  She still makes fun of me, that on that trip, she drove her fair share to help me out.  I don't get the credit for getting us there completely.
    Luckily, I have a wife who is maybe even a better leader than me.  And a superior leader will let their staff do what they are trained to do.  Maybe I am not running the show as I want to believe, but really I am just a great chauffeur.  As long as I have the keys in my pocket, I know I won't get left behind, so that is ok with me.

12/2/14 Who Is Living In The Real World?

    We are all supposed to be equal humans.  So it should go that we should all be able to determine what is real.  This comes from a conversation with my younger boy, 10.  He is a kind and thoughtful boy, he wants to believe in Santa and all those characters, but his classmates started a year ago saying all that was fake.  I told him "well be cool like the other kids and Santa stops bringing you toys".  That was enough to stop the interrogation, he put away his fedora hat, notepad and spotlight.  From a kids viewpoint, in the morning Santa will have delivered a cornucopia of assorted gifts, they will not go through a parent's credit card or even notice the Toys R Us price tags.  To them, Santa delivers, at least in our house.  So does the tooth fairy, and even the Easter Bunny (I know).  This ultimately is fun for my wife, so I go along with it.  My big ego would like to take credit, but it wouldn't be fun that way.
    I myself am concrete in thought, If I can't see it, I have a hard time believing it.  I started saying I might be atheist in high school and my mom would get nervous.  Her point was at least say agnostic, leave yourself open to the idea.  I would go along with her, not that it required much, we weren't church fanatics, back in the day.  Both my parents worked and Saturday and Sunday were days to rest and sleep late, not get dressed and go socialize with other like minded folks.  As a grown up, now I do say I'm atheist, my mom wrings her hands with nervousness when I do.  She does not like that about me.  The only concession I gave into was baptizing the boys.  Her point being "what if you're wrong, they are innocent, if something should happen in their youth, do you want them stuck in Purgatory?"  To me, that sentence feels like fiction novel writing, but I do love and respect my mom.  It was a one and done thing.  If I'm wrong, they are technically protected, If I am right, it was one afternoon, family got together, we ate at Olive Garden, why complain?
    We also have the extreme limit, people that hear voices, talk to the other side of life, and these folks don't need to be told what the whispers might be (neighbors, fan in another room...), they know what they see is real.  We label them as crazy, lock them away if they are troublesome, avoid them as best we can.
    Although I am atheist, who am I to say what you're doing is worthy or based in reality?  If believing in a higher power helps get you through the day, I say good.  If believing helps get you to volunteer or donate to more unfortunate people, awesome.  I wish we lived in a world of powers and magic, personally I would love to be a Jedi, but the closest I'll get is battling my 10 year old with plastic swords and using the remote control to change the TV channels.  I would love to get up on my soap box and declare my point of view is absolute and you all are wrong if you don't think like me, but I don't think we are all living the same life.  Everyone gets a different path, shaped by the people and circumstances in their own life.  If you are living it, that is your reality.

12/1/14 Monotony Is Good?

  Today is Monday after Thanksgiving Weekend.  The weekend was great, didn't do much, but I didn't work for four nights (I am a night shifter), and I lounged around with my wife and boys.  Back to the grind of the same old same old.  I find myself bored, I will do exactly the same thing, get up around noon, shit, shower, maybe get a load in washer, pick up my boy at 2:45, go eat fast food somewhere here by the house, wait for wife to get the boy while we do his homework, then go in to work until my lunch break, come home for lunch, go back, then work until 6:00am.  Sleep, repeat. 
  I have a good job, I shouldn't complain, and I'm not complaining about that, just the routine we all seem to live.  I get myself distracted by looking at Craigslist personal ads, I don't know why, been looking through them for three-four years now, so it's not like ooh, I'm gonna do something bad.  I just find them interesting, most people seem to be looking for a 420 connection and I have zero interest in that, then a large portion are lonely people who are bored by the relationships they are in.  And finally, the rest are fake.  There might be some real ones, but I'll not take any chances.  After all, we're talking about monotony.
  I know monotony is good for kids, I grew up with both parents as did my wife and my kids will too.  I see what happens to kids when both parents aren't there, as my four examples yesterday.  Those kids are making decisions by themselves that maybe should be bounced off an experienced adult, but said adult is not in the picture.  My boys, on the other hand, still have us as a safety net.  My oldest has a job, he works on the weekends, and with his money he has been able to build a high end personal computer, built a costume from scratch for the renaissance festival, and gone to a couple expensive dinners with friends at restaurants I wouldn't care to pay for.  Currently, they are even planning a trip to Disney World for next summer.  This is all born from having us to support him with room and board (and vehicle).  I figure as long as he helps a little with his books, and gas money, he is doing alright.
  If I couldn't sustain the monotony, maybe he would have to grow up faster, live a more responsible life, and not be so frivolous with his money.  So in exchange of me not being bored, my son would have to lose his youth?  I couldn't live with myself, that would just make me an asshole, and I would hate to look at that guy in the mirror. 
  What I need is a project, I had one, but it fell apart, it got too unwieldy and left me feeling exhausted.  There is only so much you can do for/with some people before you have to pull back and let them live by their own decisions.  Maybe I should try to build a plane like my neighbor has been doing, mechanical contraptions don't snap back with "I know".  This feeling will pass, always does.  Just have to wait for the next big thing.